Knife, fork, cell phone – Restaurant etiquette dilemmas in the 21st century

Restaurant etiquette provides advice on restaurant behavior. It is designed to help us behave confidently while eating and to make others feel comfortable in our company. For example, we know what to do with paper or cloth napkins, how to eat certain dishes, which cutlery or glass is for what, what to do with our mobile phones at the dining table, and how to be attentive conversation partners during a restaurant date or a formal meal.

This also includes practical advice, such as not licking your knife while eating – not only because it doesn’t look good, but it can also be dangerous, as you can cut your tongue. Or that it’s a good idea to always drink from the same side of the glass to reduce the amount of mouth and lipstick marks on the glass. Politeness towards servers, such as not saying “I’ll have a…” when ordering food, since “I’ll have a…” is a much more polite wording. And being considerate towards other guests in a restaurant includes speaking only loudly enough for those sitting at your table to hear you, but not the whole room.

What happens the moment you arrive at a restaurant? Does it matter who enters first, who chooses a table, who takes a seat first?

Traditionally, the man enters a restaurant or bar first, followed by the woman. This custom can be traced back to the fact that restaurants were not necessarily safe for a long time, and the man used this gesture to protect his female companion.

Today, its significance is more that the man has to survey the area first, find a seat, and possibly negotiate with the waiter. Traditionally, the man sits facing the exit of the restaurant – so in the past he could assess potential dangers lurking for the woman and, if necessary, protect his partner. This advice obviously does not apply if two men or two women sit down to eat. In such cases, the person who is expected to pay usually sits so that he can see the space: this is usually the easiest way to communicate with the waiter. In the case of a man-woman couple, this is usually, although not necessarily, the man.

Phone on the table, taking photos, checking messages: what is considered acceptable today, and what can be distracting?

We can take a photo of our food, but we should try not to let the phone distract us from our partner who is present. For example, we should not upload a gastropost to social media while eating, our followers may have to wait a few hours. If possible, we should not take out our mobile phone on the dining table, only if we are expecting an important call and we have informed our partner in advance, and we should not scroll on the phone while eating. Instead, we should turn our attention to our partner and the food. Nutrition consultants usually indicate that those who scroll on their phone while eating usually eat more and are more prone to overeating than those who pay attention to the food they eat.

What are the rules related to the use of cutlery? Are there any lesser-known signs or etiquette rules that are still worth knowing?

If there is more than one piece of cutlery set out on the table, you should proceed from the outside inward in the order of the dishes. Do not wave or point with your cutlery while eating. Do not believe the online guide that says you can signal the chef about the quality of the food by placing your cutlery on the plate after the meal is finished — this is not true.

In continental European etiquette, cutlery can have two positions on the plate: if the knife and fork are on two sides, at approximately 8 and 4 on the clock face, this means that we are still eating. If we place the cutlery on the plate parallel to each other, around “4”, we indicate that we have finished eating – in a restaurant this is a signal to the server that he can take the plate or the tableware away. There is no cutlery signal to ask for the next course or to indicate whether we liked the food or not.

What are the rules of etiquette when paying? Who pays, how do we share, when is it unpleasant to argue about the bill?

In a restaurant – whether it's a business meal or a private meeting – the person who initiated the meeting and thus chose the location always pays. There's no point in arguing about that.

Do different rules apply to a date, a business lunch, a family dinner, or a group of friends? How do they differ?

Yes, of course. The difference is mostly in the degree of formality: at a family dinner, behavior can be more relaxed than at a business, formal meal – as long as it doesn’t disturb the people in the restaurant. In addition, other, more personal topics can also be discussed during the conversation. At business meals and on a first date, we should beware of so-called problem foods, such as spaghetti or lobster, but even burgers can be included – this way we can focus our attention on our partner, not on the cleanest way to consume the food.

It's worth noting, because it's true in all situations, that if we meet someone new and they're rude to the restaurant staff, they'll be rude to us later.

Is there an old etiquette rule that is now outdated, yet many people still adhere to it?

The custom of a man pushing a chair under a woman is disappearing – many women even ask for it if someone does it anyway – because it was inconvenient due to women's clothing in the past: women needed help when wearing long skirts, but this is less common today.

And vice versa: are there new etiquette issues that have emerged with modern restaurant culture?

Using the phone, making hands-free calls or watching videos in public, taking pictures of our food and posting them immediately. We can take the photo quickly, without having to wait for the people in our company for a long time, but we should not post it immediately, even by writing a longer text on social media. In addition, it is typical for some people to adjust their makeup and hairstyle at the dining table – this is inappropriate and unhygienic, it is worth doing this in the bathroom.